Thursday, I got a call from my doctor’s assistant: I don’t have cancer and the side effects of the medications for the eye movement outweigh the benefits, so I just need to continue on. I’m not in the ICU so brain stem infection isn’t a possibility. With a voice hesitant and cracking with crying, I implore that something needs to be done…my quality of life is being impacted. He’ll talk to my doctor and call me back: I demand a time frame and he indulges me, but I recognize patronizing and perfunctory.
I want to traverse down the well-worn paths of my mind that are filled with lies from the enemy and set up camp to weep and wallow and throw questions at God. My mind takes a few steps and the whispers begin: You’ll never get well…No one cares about your suffering…You won’t be restored… It’s familiar, but not as satisfying or comforting as it used to be.
I start down new paths that are brighter; I declare God’s promises for me: He will never leave me nor forsake me…I will be restored…There is a cure…He will go before me…
God had prepared me…provided a way for me off the beaten path: For weeks, (Psalm 6) Heal Me kept popping up as the first song on Pandora. Last week Sunday, I downloaded numerous Psalms and listened to them daily, during my waking times and as I fell asleep.
Early Thursday morning, before the assistant’s call, I received a note from a dear prayer warrior: “Read a Psalm each week. Then, allow your mind to dwell on that Psalm for the week in meditation. Learn and grasp the goodness, caring, provision of Yahweh as he takes care of, teaches, and instructs us in His ways and love for us. Get to know him intimately.”
I’m worn…during my waking hours this weekend, I’ve experienced 17 of the top 25 symptoms–not a single hour of the day has been symptom-free (I’ve wanted to call the assistant each time one occurred). I’ve cried and wondered and put Psalm 22 on a repeating loop, blaring through my house so that the very Word of God would go deep into my marrow.
At Witz' End... 
I listened to the Psalms. Then I gave thanks to God for my dear daughter who stays strong in the midst of the storm. Love you SO MUCH!!!
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We were not promised beds of ease. Rather experiences that drive us closer to Jehovah Adonai. So that He may shape us and prepare us better to serve Him and those whom He brings into our lives. Ever closer Oh Yahweh, we need to come to you. Ever more we must learn your ways and methods of healing. Ever more our trust is in You and Your provision. You are shaping a Saint who has suffered for others. She is being drawn to your bleeding side Oh Ha'Masiach (Anointed One). Give her glimpses of your glory, your deliverance, the healing You have for her through the pain You bore for us on calvary and won through Your resurrection. Sitted at the right hand of the Father intercede for her. May she rise and be lifted up to lead others to Your great grace and mercy. Amen and Amen!!!!
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Your post …and the beautiful prayer by the Praters… brought both tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. You shared with me that your week had been difficult with symptoms and a disappointing report, but I had not realized the degree to which you were experiencing your symptoms this week and weekend… so I am even more grateful that you chose to spend time with my family when you could have been getting more rest. My parents love you and I know they were as glad as I to see you for a little bit! My heart aches for your disappointment and suffering, but yet, your desire to lean into God and share it with us brings comfort and hope. I'm sure I'm not the only one that is encouraged by the way you bravely share your difficult moments, but then, much like king David, choose to turn to The Lord in your despair. Many love you and are continuing to pray that one day (soon!) we will all be shouting praises to the glory of God for how He has brought miraculous healing to you! Until that day, may you continue to seek refuge in the strength of Our Abba's almighty arms. Love & hugs
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