Thursday, I got a call from my doctor’s assistant: I don’t have cancer and the side effects of the medications for the eye movement outweigh the benefits, so I just need to continue on. I’m not in the ICU so brain stem infection isn’t a possibility. With a voice hesitant and cracking with crying, I implore that something needs to be done…my quality of life is being impacted. He’ll talk to my doctor and call me back: I demand a time frame and he indulges me, but I recognize patronizing and perfunctory.
I want to traverse down the well-worn paths of my mind that are filled with lies from the enemy and set up camp to weep and wallow and throw questions at God. My mind takes a few steps and the whispers begin: You’ll never get well…No one cares about your suffering…You won’t be restored… It’s familiar, but not as satisfying or comforting as it used to be.
I start down new paths that are brighter; I declare God’s promises for me: He will never leave me nor forsake me…I will be restored…There is a cure…He will go before me…
God had prepared me…provided a way for me off the beaten path: For weeks, (Psalm 6) Heal Me kept popping up as the first song on Pandora. Last week Sunday, I downloaded numerous Psalms and listened to them daily, during my waking times and as I fell asleep.
Early Thursday morning, before the assistant’s call, I received a note from a dear prayer warrior: “Read a Psalm each week. Then, allow your mind to dwell on that Psalm for the week in meditation. Learn and grasp the goodness, caring, provision of Yahweh as he takes care of, teaches, and instructs us in His ways and love for us. Get to know him intimately.”
I’m worn…during my waking hours this weekend, I’ve experienced 17 of the top 25 symptoms–not a single hour of the day has been symptom-free (I’ve wanted to call the assistant each time one occurred). I’ve cried and wondered and put Psalm 22 on a repeating loop, blaring through my house so that the very Word of God would go deep into my marrow.