Excerpts from my journal, seventeen years ago this week, June 1995:
“I’ve become perplexed…I can’t figure out why sometimes I feel so great and at other times I feel so lousy that I don’t feel like moving —- Obviously the doctors can’t either since it’s been 7 weeks and 38 pounds.
At times I am so restless and want to do something, but usually just don’t have the energy and I become frustrated with that. I’ve realized that when I feel really sick I become apathetic and dont care if [doctors] find out what’s wrong with me, yet when I’m feeling better I’m frustrated that the process is so slow and tedious.
Yet another medical test comes back negative….I would be overjoyed if I didn’t feel so awful all of the time. I do feel frustrated. I know there is something wrong with me, in my heart of hearts I do, yet every test that has been done so far has proven to be inconclusive. I’m to the point where I want to give up.
Last night, I’m sitting there calmly when *BooM* I’m instantly tired and suddenly my pulse is up to 130. That’s not normal. I’m getting plenty of rest, eating good food and drinking lots of liquids — what more can I do? I have such apathy that I really don’t care anymore.”
Seventeen years — If I had been told to ‘hang in there, there will be an answer for you in 17 years, your symptoms aren’t going to kill you, just make you miserable’; I don’t know know if I would have persevered, recognized how amazing God’s timing is or the sweet ways He showed me His love. But ahhh….here’s what God has revealed to me about the number 17: