Muddling through a 30 year Medical Mystery Tour means learning a whole new language — full of fake words with definitions your body knows all too well.

a•poth•e•scary
/ə-ˈpä-thə-ˌsker-ē/ noun
(of chronic illness): your nightstand turned medieval potion shop — where the colorful bottles outnumber the books and the side effects outshine the candlelight.

Med•Talks
/ˈmed-ˌtȯks/ noun
(the ritual): when medical personnel ask you to list your meds — then ask if there’s an intermission.

pain•splain
/ˈpān-ˌsplān/ verb
(Of doctors & strangers): the act of a person explaining your pain to you — as if you hadn’t been living in it for years. (credit: @painsplainjaim)

phar•ma•see
/ˈfär-mə-ˌsē/ noun
(of chronic illness): the place you go for answers — and leave with a bag of pills and a shrug, as in “let’s see if this works.”

symp•tons
/’simp-tənz/ noun
(of chronic illness): the myriads of anomalies your body keeps adding on — as if one diagnosis wasn’t dramatic enough.

un•diag•nope•sis
/ˌən-ˈdī-əg-ˌnōp-sis/ noun
(of chronic illness): when every scan and scope ends in a shrug — a resounding “nope” instead of an answer.

Sometimes, the only way to make it through another stop on the Medical Mystery Tour is by havin’ pun At Witz’ End.